Who We Need To Be

“Just being yourself never worked, but if you made yourself up, you got to be exactly who you wanted to be.” — Laurie Frankel

Making yourself up can sometimes be a coping mechanism. We are often told to just be ourselves, as though that should be enough to get us through whatever life has in store. But sometimes the person we are at that moment may not be quite up to the challenge. We may need to create a different version of ourselves, if only temporarily, to manage what lies ahead.

Many years ago, when my 22-year-old son died, I used dissociation as a way to cope. Not something many psychologists would necessarily recommend, but it helped me through an extraordinarily painful period in my life.

I was brought up to get through whatever happened without a great deal of drama. You did what needed to be done and carried on. When faced with my son’s death, I knew the only way I could manage was to somehow separate myself from what was happening.

I imagined myself watching from above as I moved through those terrible days, doing what needed to be done, saying what needed to be said, and functioning in a world that suddenly seemed impossible to understand. It was almost as though I had created another person, someone who could manage the practical details while the real me remained at a distance.

Later, I allowed myself to feel the enormity of what had happened. The grief was still there, of course. It had simply been waiting for me. Some might disagree with the way I handled those days, but at that particular time, making myself up helped me face a difficult reality.

I don’t recommend dissociation as a way of dealing with the ordinary stresses of life. But I do believe there is something to be said for developing coping skills that allow us to become the person we need to be at a particular moment.

As we grow older, we have accumulated a lifetime of experiences, both good and bad. We have learned that there are circumstances we cannot change, people we cannot change, and days when the world seems determined to test our patience. We may have become wiser, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we have become better at dealing with everything life throws our way.

For me, it helps to surround myself with things that bring me comfort. Yesterday, for example, I bought flowers, put on a Wynton Marsalis album, made myself a grilled cheese sandwich, and called a friend. Nothing too radical. Just a little coping assistance.

There was something comforting about the flowers sitting on the table, the familiar sound of good jazz filling the room, and the simple pleasure of a grilled cheese sandwich. A conversation with a friend reminded me that there is still a great deal to enjoy, even when life feels particularly unsettled.

None of these things changed what was happening in the world or solved whatever might have been troubling me. But they changed the way I felt about the day. Sometimes that’s enough.

I think we place too much emphasis on always being strong, always being positive, and always being ourselves. There are days when being ourselves can be exhausting. Perhaps it’s perfectly reasonable to borrow a little courage, manufacture a little optimism, or create a sense of calm until we begin to feel it. That doesn’t mean denying reality. It simply means finding a way to live with it.

I’ve come to believe that coping doesn’t always require a grand plan or a dramatic change in our lives. Sometimes it begins with recognizing what we need and allowing ourselves to have it.

Maybe making ourselves up isn’t really about becoming someone else. Perhaps it’s about discovering that we have more than one way of being ourselves.

And on some days, that might begin with flowers, a little jazz, and a grilled cheese sandwich.

Peace be with you.

If you’re new here, welcome. I write about aging with grace, finding beauty in everyday life, and the quiet moments that remind us what matters most. I’m so glad you’ve stopped by.